getting up

I ran into an old friend the other day and they said "What in the hell are you doing on a walker because I just saw your pic online and you were up a tree?" Truth be told, I was lifted onto that branch and it's really less than 4ft off of the ground. Over the last three years I have tried very hard to not have my picture taken with either my cane or walker .And if you look closely through my pics, because who wouldn't want to, I am usually sitting or leaning on something. I see these items as a representation of my weakness, a reminder that the doctor continues to tell me that I am disabled. I do take solace in the fact that at least my walker isn't ugly grey decorated with tennis balls. Nope, I have a sassy midnight blue model with the deluxe fold-out seat. I don't have a cup holder, but I'm positive I could roll the halls at the retirement center and score some serious jealousy, or at least some extra tapioca pudding.
Three years ago in a very ungraceful fall, I tore my sciatic nerve. Had it torn even a fraction more, I would be looking at paralysis. The doctors have told me that there is nothing that can be done to fix my back and believe me they have tried. There is a 50% chance that a spinal stimulator would improve my quality of life, but without insurance no one will do the very costly procedure. Quite honestly I cannot afford individual health insurance, Tina and I cannot marry therefore I'm unable to be covered on her insurance, and because the state has continued to deny me disability, I do not qualify for medicaid. This is in no way the life I had mapped out for myself.
Those of you who know me, know how much I loved to dance- we're talking everybody was kung-fu fighting with a dash of epileptic seizure thrown in dancing. But with this injury there has been no dancing. No biking, no golfing, no hiking, no driving. And I'd totally be a victim if someone chases me because there is absolutely no running either. There's no more playing soccer, basketball, or frisbee even though I mostly sucked at all athletic attempts to begin with. I never outgrew that whole last person picked to be on the team phase. Now instead there is help. Help with walking, with dressing, with bathing. There is financial help. Family and friends have come through so many times, and I have truly learned that stuff is just stuff. The day I had to hawk my college ring to buy groceries was heartbreaking. The irony that the proceeds from that ring went towards the purchase of ramen noodles did not escape me.
And there has been plenty of depression. I wake up every morning and wonder why- just so I can go sit in a recliner all day doped up? because there is constant pain and constant medication. It is quite the paradox to have all the time in the world and yet to have a body that does not allow the freedom in which to enjoy it. If my injury was my leg or arm, I would simply get a prosthetic or at least have an additional limb to work with, but when it is you back it affects everything.
But each day I do get up. I get up because I know that there are people out there a thousand times worse off than myself. People who would trade lives with me in a second because while my injury maybe life changing, their's is life threatening. I am incredibly fortunate to have an unbelievable partner who continues to care for me although I view myself as nothing more than a tiresome burden. So I get up for her because if there ever is any hope of normal functionality then she shall be the first to reap whatever rewards that might offer .And I get up because I haven't lived through all of the painful procedures, the erroneous paperwork of insurance companies, and the bureaucratic red tape of the state just to forfeit it all.
Somewhere inside of me I still believe that I have a purpose or some contribution to make in this world. It may not be the one I had planned or had hoped for, but I have to believe that one exists. I think we all have to believe that. No matter what our circumstances are, we get up for a reason. You may never know your reason, but others do. We all have the ability to impact someone else through our actions and words. It may not be of monumental proportions, but the possibility does exists and so should we.
Martin Luther King said: If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk then crawl. But whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.